it’s ok to go on with my life
even though i miss my brother
every day
and i don’t have to feel bad about that
or weak
it’s ok to miss him
it’s ok to feel bad
to feel sad
to feel like
i wish he didn’t die
to feel like i wish he was still here and
i know it’s ok to feel these
feelings i don’t have to push them away
i can embrace them and
feel them and honor them
as part of the life experience
i can choose to feel the same
i can choose to love him to forgive him
and this work helps
talking to someone
talking to you
to god
talking to god helps and god is
always there for me
and i know i don’t have to
be hung up on the thinsg
i wish i didn’t do
wishing
i didn’t go pee when he was taking his last breaths
but
i couldn’t
watch him
take his last breath
i couldn’t do it
and that’s ok
and i don’t have to hate myself
for it
itn’s
it doens’t matter
it doens’t matter what
i did at the funeral
it doens’t matter
that i couldn’t
or didn’t want to socialize
it doesn’t matter
who wasn’t there
or who
hasn’t show their support
and
i don’t have to worry about my mom
or my dad or my
other brothers
even though i know they must be in a lot
of pain too and i feel helpless like
there’s nothing i can do about it
i can honor all those feelings
i feel guilty
i feel remorse
i feel
bad that i don’t know how to help my family
through this
i
i don’t have to feel bad that i’m
not ‘over it’
since i probably never will be
but i can allow myself to embrace life as it
is now
i just feel
bad
guilty
incomplete
not whole
stupid dumb
like we could have done more
to save him
but what could we do
we all tried
we all tried so hard
and we just have to accept what is
that’s all i can do is accept what is
and feel the sam e
just
feel the sam e
because what is
doesn’t affect who i am
and i love that i’m seeing signs of improvement
i love that i can feel the pain
feel my way through the pain
i can feel my way through the pain
i can feel my way through the pain
i can allow the pain and i don’t
have to push it away
i can choose to feel the pain
and when i feel it
i heal it
he’s gone
he’s dead
he’s dead
kyle is dead.
and that’s ok.
it’s still so sad
and that’s ok
i forgive myself
for feeling sad
for not wanting to face it
for not wanting to look at
photos of him
for not wanting to cry any more
i forgive myself
for not doing more
for not going out there
an
until he was on his death bed
i forgive myself
for not ‘making’ him get the surgery
for not pressuring
not
begging him to get the surgery
what could i do
all i can